I'm eating all of the evidence.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
