got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
