my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Randomize
