i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
