my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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