I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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