I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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