tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
