So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
