my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
