i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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