that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
