all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
