it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
