My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
