I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
