I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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