Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
