just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
