I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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