I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Blood and glitter go together right?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
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