I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
