Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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