She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
