What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
