What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
