I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
