i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
