I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
