the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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