I CAN MOONWALK!
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
