if i can run in heels then i can drive
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
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