You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
