I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
