Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
