i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
