I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
