So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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