I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
