The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
