Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
