Your mouth is God's brothel.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
