I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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