Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
