i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
