I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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