Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Two words: blizzard sex
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
