If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
