Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
