did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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