Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
