And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
