I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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